


i thought this part was over

by dipstick



Series: What Makes A Man? [4]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Under the Red Hood
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, more tags to come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 09:50:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10964781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dipstick/pseuds/dipstick
Summary: I love to project onto my fav lmao rip





	i thought this part was over

**Author's Note:**

> I love to project onto my fav lmao rip

Jason didn't know why he had come to the manor. He had been sitting in his apartment for about a week. Never going out, not even for patrol. That morning he had dragged himself out of bed to find that there was nothing left to eat. He had gotten in his car, the shitty red pickup truck him and Roy had rebuilt, fully believing he was going to just get some groceries and then go back to his empty apartment. Somehow he was now standing in front of his opulent childhood home. He couldn't remember how he got there, he wondered if he was dreaming. It almost felt like he was.   
  
He came in the front door, expecting the continued suspense of the empty silence outside the manor. Instead he was met with the sound of raised voices coming from further in the house.   
  
He also found Tim, he was sitting at the bottom of the master staircase, phone in hand and head down. He looked up at the sound of the door closing behind Jason.   
  
Tim had his hair back in a small ponytail, and was wearing one of Kon's large varsity jackets that he had to bunch up the sleeves just to fit in.   
  
"Hey," Jason said. "You heading out?"   
  
"Yeah," Tim said. Brushing his bangs out of his eyes, Jason saw the bracelet across his wrist. It was the red one Jason had got him with _'he/him'_ spelled out in letter charms. "Kon's picking me up, we're going to see the Power Rangers movie."   
  
"Nostalgia, nice." Jason said. Trying to smile, but it didn't quite feel right.   
  
"You okay?" Tim asked.   
  
"Yeah, just tired. It's been a long week," Jason was sure Tim could hear the lie in his words, but he didn't press.   
  
"Take a break, brother," Tim said looking back down at his phone as it pinged.   
  
"I'll try, brother." Jay said as he walked further into the house.   
  
He decided to follow the raised voices, morbidly curious.   
  
"Hey," Duke said as he came in to the kitchen. Duke was sitting at the kitchen table turned around in their seat to look at Jason as he came in the doorway. Further into the kitchen Dick and Damian stood arguing.   
  
"Hey", he replied despondently as he sat at the table across from them. His siblings all milled around him. Dick was complaining about the dog, it seemed Titus had gotten into his room and wrecked something. Damian was obviously coming to the greyhound's defense. Duke looked like they had been doing homework and now was just watching the fight as if it was a spectacle.   
  
Jason lay his head in his arms on the table and closed his eyes.

  
  
He wanted to die.   
  
  
  
  
He was able to tune them out until the argument abruptly ended. Jason lifted his head slightly to see that Alfred had entered the room, he had one eyebrow lifted while looking at the boys. Complete disdain on his face.   
  
"I don't know what you could possibly be arguing this loudly about, but I believe it's over." Alfred said.   
  
Dick and Damian glared at each other before both looking back at Alfred sheepishly.   
  
"Yes, Alfred."   
  
"Yes, Pennyworth."   
  
Jason put his head back down.   
  
"Now, all of you please vacate the kitchen if you aren't going to help with dinner." Alfred said.   
  
Jason heard the noise of two scurrying feet followed by the scrape of a chair and another pair as the others fled the room.   
  
Jason stayed where he was. He was sure if he moved the calm he was pretending to be in would break. That he'd do something stupid.   
  
"Master Jason?" Alfred asked coming up behind him. A warm hand clasped Jason's shoulder.   
  
"You can stay there if you like." Alfred said, voice soft. And then there was the sound of his footsteps moving around the kitchen behind him. The soft clang of pots and pans as Alfred began to cook.   
  
Jason let the sound wash over him. Reminding him of times when he hadn't felt like this. When he could ignore the feelings of crushing fear, of shame, and he let tears slide silently down his face. It was okay no one would see, it was okay.   
  
It wasn't but he wasn't sure what to do.   
  
It felt like there was nothing he could ever do to stop feeling like this.   
  
  
  
  
He stayed in that lull until the tears stopped and dried on his face. He considered getting up to help Alfred with dinner but he felt too strung out, empty, lifeless.   
  
Someone came into the room and sat down heavily across from Jason, letting out a ragged sigh.   
  
"I thought you were going out, master Tim," Alfred said from behind Jason.   
  
"I was." Was all Tim replied with, Jason finally lifted his face from his arms to look at him.   
  
Tim was sitting with his arms crossed, glaring down at his phone that was set on the table in front of him. If Tim had Kal's laser vision his cell would be burnt to a crisp at this point.   
  
"What happened?" Jason asked, voice coming out rougher than he would of liked.   
  
Tim looked at him, the same concern back on his face as earlier.   
  
"He cancelled. Again." Tim replied the concern fading back into anger rapidly. "This is the eighth time in the past month. He keeps cancelling at the last minute and always with weird flimsy excuses. 'I have to walk the dog Tim I forgot. I promised my friend we'd watch the game, Tim, sorry. I have to go to the store to get some pencils I broke all my last ones.' Like that needs his immediate attention?? And I'm pissed and I miss him, but I don't want to miss him because I'm pissed."   
  
"Hmmm." Jason said. "Dump him."   
  
"I can't do that." Tim replied, now upset more than angry.   
  
"Why not, boys suck." Jason said with a shrug and finally the barest hint of a real smile.   
  
Tim halfheartedly smiled back, "they sure do."   
  
Jason brought his hand up to his head and pushed his hair back. Everything felt so tremulous and hurting. Like he was knifes edge away from just stopping and finally breaking down entirely. Why did he come here... he wasn't okay, he shouldn't have come here.   
  
"Are you, alright?" Tim asked, concerned, again. "For real, you seem.... upset."   
  
"I'm fine, Tim." Jason said. And Tim could hear the lie again. Jason could hear it plain as day, and when he felt Alfred's hand clasp his shoulder again he knew he heard it too.   
  
"What's happened, Master Jason?" Alfred asked.   
  
"Nothing.. I just haven't slept well, it's nothing." Jason whined, voice coming out reedy and thin as he tried to hold the tears at bay. Like he was a kid, again. Like nothing had ever fucking changed.   
  
Alfred kneeled next to him his hand coming to rest on Jason's back.   
  
"Jason, son, it's all right. We're here, it's okay to be upset."   
  
And Jason fell apart curling into Alfred's chest. His abuelo held him tightly, continuing his soft mantra of reassurances. As his tears spilled over and he let himself feel.

**Author's Note:**

> so Tim's a trans guy :p and you'll see more about whats going on with Kon no worries. Umm expect another chp.. someday ? Im writing too many different fics at once rip..


End file.
